Progress

Saying that you’re going to do something is often completely the opposite of actually doing it.

I think I feel good that I’ve mostly kept up with writing down things that I think about, although I do miss a few days here and there. I feel a bit less like my life is falling apart when I do, although I still feel kinda like the floor is crumbling underneath me when I’m out at work, or doing anything uncomfortable, but, baby steps.

My husband actually streamed again yesterday, and he had a lot of fun. I think he finally realized that part of being happy is just saying the hell with it and doing what you want to do instead of thinking about doing it.

I convinced my friend to play a game with me outside of her comfort zone and she really liked it. I actually got her to play a video game for once, and she didn’t get frustrated or feel stupid or anything. I think that’s partly because it was Diablo 3, and you can’t help but feel pretty awesome making groups of weird looking monsters explode. She has a copy now, and hopefully she’ll be able to play on her system when she’s at home, we’ll finally have something to do together, where we can bs about dumb things from the day and just unwind. Instead of sending each other progressively more upset texts about how anxious and upset we are about our jobs.

Also, she told her job that she couldn’t work. Instead of letting herself be forced to go in when she had plans and didn’t want to, which is something I used to do all the time. I feel like that’s a much more important life event. Mainly because even though I still personally feel gross when I do it, it makes you feel like people won’t hate you and your life won’t be ruined when you finally start to put your foot down.

We started playing my copy of Pandemic Legacy, and while we didn’t start the Legacy portion, everyone who is going to play with us is comfortable enough with the game rules now that we can just go into it. It’s sort of intense and overwhelming to play a game that you can only play once, which is part of the reason I bought it.

And I know, I know, I just said that saying you’ll do something is easier than doing it. A lot of the time I’ve set everything up and then not followed through.

I picked it up right after my uncle’s funeral, and my thought process was that I needed to force myself out of my comfort zone. I can’t keep doing things that I’m comfortable with, it’s something I’ve always disliked about myself. Making myself play something where my actions have consequences and I can’t just reset a game or go back to a previous save sort of seemed like an easy place to start.

I even have names for the diseases, since my uncle used to joke about some all the time.

So all that’s left to do, is start playing with the special rules the next time I get together with the people who are going to play it.

Maybe it seems small, but I’ll take what incremental progress I can make, even if it seems like I’m crawling at a snails pace.

When it comes right down to it, I’d rather be a snail than someone who just sits there and does nothing.

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