Backslide

I didn’t mean to backslide. I had a plan. I had focus. I had ideas and thoughts that needed to be said.

I also had anxiety. I had worry and panic.

I feel awkward writing in front of my husband. I feel like any moment, regardless of how supportive he has been of me that something will change and he will start laughing. I will be a joke, and my hobby will be stupid. I will have written badly and he will think that I am foolish for doing more than just my ‘real’ job.

I think that’s just my brain talking, thinking, whatever.

My brain is constantly at war with me to be rational, and to do things that I enjoy. A part of me thinks that writing the things I think and feel does nothing, and it is stupid, and it isn’t helping me to feel any better about anything.

Then I didn’t write anything for 3 days, and I felt worse. Way worse.

Not to say I didn’t do anything productive. I did a lot of productive things.

I went grocery shopping! I did adult things! Like pay bills! [That isn’t so fun]

I read 75% of a book that I have mixed feelings about, but I’m already at the end of the series so I might as well finish it!

I have so many questions for the author, questions like:

  • Why did you make an entire book about a series of games that were never mentioned in the first book and just conveniently happen to occur Harry Potter style in the location of the second book? Wouldn’t it be better to talk about or hint at something happening soon in the first book? Foreshadowing bro, that’s like…a literary device or whatever.
  • Why talk about so much of a world, down to oddly specific details and then spend so much time not doing anything in that world?
  • What is the point of having parallel universes that the characters can transverse to at will if no one does that for 90% of all the books? Wouldn’t it just be easier to have the true bad guy come from within? [That was a bit too deep, abort, abort.]

I played Pandemic Legacy! With friends! We failed our first month so we have to replay January! We Suck! We named our Medic Corey Indy Huis, and our Researcher Rae Diation. We are classy geniuses. We deserve to be good at this game.

I bought Planet Coaster, tried and failed to build the Golden Saucer and then built a Pirate themed amusement park! Also, what the heck, there are no casino options in that game? I want to be able to make people gamble. There’s no option for suspended monorails or gondola lifts.

All of this is obviously procrastination. Hell, me even writing this is procrastinating my procrastination.

Backsliding, man.

In any case I’m going to buckle down and work on actually writing fiction stuff. And non fiction. Just writing.

Pinky swear.

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