Category: Blog Stuff

Soon

It’s taking me longer to do finish what I started.

I feel like how I used to when I would set out to make something as a kid and had a class project. I would watch everyone else set everything up and just do it, no questions asked.

I would overthink, plot out what I wanted to make, make it, and then feel bad that it didn’t look the way I thought it should in my head. I would imagine that the garbage everyone else made came out exactly as they wanted it, no mistakes.

I’m the only person capable of making mistakes.

At least that’s what I used to think. Well, maybe ‘used to’ is no longer the correct turn of phrase.

I think this is mainly the problem I’m experiencing now.

Continue reading “Soon”

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Writing

I am writing. Really writing.

I don’t know if it’s going to be trash. I want to trash it. But I won’t.

This is partially because I’ve already started sending people bits and pieces of the first draft, and partially because I feel really good about what I’m writing.

Okay, I lied. It’s only because the people that I sent the drafts to have saved it and are holding them ransom. If I delete what I’ve written they will post the crappy drafts that I’ve written and everyone will laugh at what a trash person I am.

Then again, they probably will when I post it anyway.

I am such a positive person.

Continue reading “Writing”

The Walk Home

I think that one of my next door neighbors may be a secret Nazi.

Maybe not so secret. Is it a secret if you have an Iron Eagle sticker on your mailbox?

I don’t know.

My overactive imagination has been running wild the past few weeks about this. I run possible options in my head while I walk past their door when I come home from work every day.

On the one hand they aren’t hurting anyone. On the other hand secret Nazi.

Continue reading “The Walk Home”

Backslide

I didn’t mean to backslide. I had a plan. I had focus. I had ideas and thoughts that needed to be said.

I also had anxiety. I had worry and panic.

I feel awkward writing in front of my husband. I feel like any moment, regardless of how supportive he has been of me that something will change and he will start laughing. I will be a joke, and my hobby will be stupid. I will have written badly and he will think that I am foolish for doing more than just my ‘real’ job.

I think that’s just my brain talking, thinking, whatever.

Continue reading “Backslide”

Night Shift

Yesterday I felt like everything was simultaneously going wrong and right at the same time.

Then I went to work.

I guess I should start from the beginning. I hate when things are different. I love schedules. I love doing the same thing over and over again.

I’m not saying I dislike going on vacation or anything like that, I mean, who could possibly hate going away somewhere and having other people take care of you? An alien maybe. I mean, not having to worry about cleaning up the kitchen or replacing the sheets on the bed? Not having to go to work? Amazing. I could do that forever.

In the real world though, the day to day, I really can’t deal with things changing. Particularly big things. Things that my brain considers to be kind of a big deal.

And Yesterday?

I had to work at night.

Continue reading “Night Shift”

Progress

Saying that you’re going to do something is often completely the opposite of actually doing it.

I think I feel good that I’ve mostly kept up with writing down things that I think about, although I do miss a few days here and there. I feel a bit less like my life is falling apart when I do, although I still feel kinda like the floor is crumbling underneath me when I’m out at work, or doing anything uncomfortable, but, baby steps.

My husband actually streamed again yesterday, and he had a lot of fun. I think he finally realized that part of being happy is just saying the hell with it and doing what you want to do instead of thinking about doing it.

Continue reading “Progress”

Sunshine

My husband bought smart lights on Saturday, when we were out to see a movie with some of our friends.  We went to the store, my husband and our friend Justin got hooked into talking to the man who sells the lights, and the next thing I know they’re buying a box of smart lights and a rechargeable nightlight. Apparently, [the excuse I was given is that] Amazon has some sale, and you can get the smart lights for cheap or something, but I digress.

We got home and he set up said lights, and after our friend had gone home and it was far to late to be doing anything intensive or particularly smart, we spent far too many hours playing with our Echo and the lights.

Because it’s like having a dimmer switch that you can talk to, and they have better voltage and are apparently less expensive than normal light bulbs somehow [that’s probably propaganda marketing] .

Also I learned a lot about our Echo.

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Successes

Have you ever had one of those nights where dreamed you were going through the motions of the day, and then woke up and had to do it all over again?

I had to live through a nightmare of a full shift, climbing into bed, and then boom, the alarm goes off and I realize it was all fake. Just my brain making me do more work.

On a more positive note, some pretty cool stuff happened yesterday!

My husband wants to get back into streaming again. He says that me actually sticking to a schedule (haha, jokes on him) and actually writing ( about something anything at all) is making him feel motivated to stick with something he has wanted to do.

I am going to take all the credit for his desire to do this. I feel like preening for a bit.

Continue reading “Successes”

Cattitude

Today, I told my husband I wanted to write something fictional, but that I feel like I have no motivation.

Work has been leaving me feeling tired and empty headed. I feel like lately all of my energy is sucked up into pretending I’m happy about working somewhere that forces me to give every ounce of myself to them.It doesn’t help that I get a feeling that the company I work for can’t make up it’s mind.

Every day is like running an obstacle course.

“Train the employees, they need to know how to do what you do.”

“No wait, don’t do that, they are bad at doing what you do, and are taking time to learn. Do what you do normally. Stop training them.”

“Our numbers are bad, we need to get these new projects done, go do them now.”

“Our other projects aren’t getting done, do those instead.”

Etc and so forth.

This brings me back to my writers block, and my attempts to cure it. IE, writing a lot of the time, writing about anything that comes into my head, writing about real life, and slightly fake life.

Still nothing so far, but we’ll see.

In any case my husband recommended I write something about our cat, though he said that anything I write would most likely be closer to truth than fiction.

Continue reading “Cattitude”

Sleep

I feel completely wiped out, even three days later, and a part of me wonders if that’s less to do with all the walking and more to do with the fact that there were so many people.

Way more people than I anticipated.  What ever happened to people going away for the holiday? They should go off to the beach, or go to barbecues, not hang out in a museum.

I’m sorry, that’s selfish of me.

I used to have dreams that I would be able to walk through places that were completely empty and just enjoy myself. Read all the books I wanted, see all the sights.

My favorite episode of the Twilight Zone is “Time Enough at Last”.  My husband never believed that I usually cried at the end, until the first year that we watched it together.

I think I over relate to a man breaking his glasses and not being able to enjoy what freedoms he has when there’s no one else around. Then again, no one around forever would probably make me super bored. I mean there’s only so much you can do by yourself.

Plus, I own a bunch of board games, to have no one to play them with? Totally crazy.