It’s taking me longer to do finish what I started.
I feel like how I used to when I would set out to make something as a kid and had a class project. I would watch everyone else set everything up and just do it, no questions asked.
I would overthink, plot out what I wanted to make, make it, and then feel bad that it didn’t look the way I thought it should in my head. I would imagine that the garbage everyone else made came out exactly as they wanted it, no mistakes.
I’m the only person capable of making mistakes.
At least that’s what I used to think. Well, maybe ‘used to’ is no longer the correct turn of phrase.
I think this is mainly the problem I’m experiencing now.
Continue reading “Soon”
I am writing. Really writing.
I don’t know if it’s going to be trash. I want to trash it. But I won’t.
This is partially because I’ve already started sending people bits and pieces of the first draft, and partially because I feel really good about what I’m writing.
Okay, I lied. It’s only because the people that I sent the drafts to have saved it and are holding them ransom. If I delete what I’ve written they will post the crappy drafts that I’ve written and everyone will laugh at what a trash person I am.
Then again, they probably will when I post it anyway.
I am such a positive person.
Continue reading “Writing”
I didn’t mean to backslide. I had a plan. I had focus. I had ideas and thoughts that needed to be said.
I also had anxiety. I had worry and panic.
I feel awkward writing in front of my husband. I feel like any moment, regardless of how supportive he has been of me that something will change and he will start laughing. I will be a joke, and my hobby will be stupid. I will have written badly and he will think that I am foolish for doing more than just my ‘real’ job.
I think that’s just my brain talking, thinking, whatever.
Continue reading “Backslide”
Yesterday I felt like everything was simultaneously going wrong and right at the same time.
Then I went to work.
I guess I should start from the beginning. I hate when things are different. I love schedules. I love doing the same thing over and over again.
I’m not saying I dislike going on vacation or anything like that, I mean, who could possibly hate going away somewhere and having other people take care of you? An alien maybe. I mean, not having to worry about cleaning up the kitchen or replacing the sheets on the bed? Not having to go to work? Amazing. I could do that forever.
In the real world though, the day to day, I really can’t deal with things changing. Particularly big things. Things that my brain considers to be kind of a big deal.
I had to work at night.
Continue reading “Night Shift”
Have you ever had one of those nights where dreamed you were going through the motions of the day, and then woke up and had to do it all over again?
I had to live through a nightmare of a full shift, climbing into bed, and then boom, the alarm goes off and I realize it was all fake. Just my brain making me do more work.
On a more positive note, some pretty cool stuff happened yesterday!
My husband wants to get back into streaming again. He says that me actually sticking to a schedule (haha, jokes on him) and actually writing ( about something anything at all) is making him feel motivated to stick with something he has wanted to do.
I am going to take all the credit for his desire to do this. I feel like preening for a bit.
Continue reading “Successes”
I don’t regret many things in my life.
I honestly do think that every single action and event and decision we choose or don’t choose to make in life leads to the point and person that we are at any given moment in time. Me taking the time to actually write these words are somehow influencing my perspective as a person. And anyone who reads it, and anyone who interacts with anyone who reads it, etc. Trippy idea, right?
Life isn’t something to be wasted sitting around sighing about what we should have done, or could have done. It’s about using what we have done, to influence our future, potentially for the better, maybe not. I mean it’s your life.
Even though I have accepted this idea as truth in my life, even though I fundamentally know that if I were to somehow go back and change things I would be a completely different person, I can’t help but feel a bit sore about one aspect of myself.
I regret that I have spent, and probably will spend so much of my life afraid of failure.
Continue reading “No Ragrets”