I didn’t mean to backslide. I had a plan. I had focus. I had ideas and thoughts that needed to be said.
I also had anxiety. I had worry and panic.
I feel awkward writing in front of my husband. I feel like any moment, regardless of how supportive he has been of me that something will change and he will start laughing. I will be a joke, and my hobby will be stupid. I will have written badly and he will think that I am foolish for doing more than just my ‘real’ job.
I think that’s just my brain talking, thinking, whatever.
Continue reading “Backslide”
Today feels like walking out into a swamp, and rubbing myself in the water. Potentially on a crocodile. Alligator? Alligator. They’re fresh water. I finally feel like I understand 1/10th of what it would be like to experience “The Midnight Sun” [That’s an episode of the Twilight Zone. I watch too much Twilight Zone].
The weather has been this wonky since yesterday, and I feel like my brain and body are both trying to push through a thick fog of heat and humidity. I would rather it rain and get over with instead of stay miserable and gross.
This isn’t going to be terribly long.
In any case, during my aggravatingly distracted drive home, I started to plot out an idea for a movie I’d like to see at some point in my life. One that will never get made, because Hollywood doesn’t like ideas that aren’t guaranteed to get them money.
Continue reading “Heat Wave”
Saying that you’re going to do something is often completely the opposite of actually doing it.
I think I feel good that I’ve mostly kept up with writing down things that I think about, although I do miss a few days here and there. I feel a bit less like my life is falling apart when I do, although I still feel kinda like the floor is crumbling underneath me when I’m out at work, or doing anything uncomfortable, but, baby steps.
My husband actually streamed again yesterday, and he had a lot of fun. I think he finally realized that part of being happy is just saying the hell with it and doing what you want to do instead of thinking about doing it.
Continue reading “Progress”
Today, I told my husband I wanted to write something fictional, but that I feel like I have no motivation.
Work has been leaving me feeling tired and empty headed. I feel like lately all of my energy is sucked up into pretending I’m happy about working somewhere that forces me to give every ounce of myself to them.It doesn’t help that I get a feeling that the company I work for can’t make up it’s mind.
Every day is like running an obstacle course.
“Train the employees, they need to know how to do what you do.”
“No wait, don’t do that, they are bad at doing what you do, and are taking time to learn. Do what you do normally. Stop training them.”
“Our numbers are bad, we need to get these new projects done, go do them now.”
“Our other projects aren’t getting done, do those instead.”
Etc and so forth.
This brings me back to my writers block, and my attempts to cure it. IE, writing a lot of the time, writing about anything that comes into my head, writing about real life, and slightly fake life.
Still nothing so far, but we’ll see.
In any case my husband recommended I write something about our cat, though he said that anything I write would most likely be closer to truth than fiction.
Continue reading “Cattitude”
Saturday was my birthday. I wasn’t really looking forward to it because of the events of the week before, but it turned out to be fun.
I just had to remind myself that it’s okay to have fun after something like this happens.
Continue reading “Parents and Kids”
A couple of weeks ago at work, we had a power outage in our building, and today our phone lines went down for a couple of hours. It may be that we work in an old building, but one of my coworkers joked about how I was the person most likely to have done both intentionally.
People sometimes joke that they could see me being a serial killer.
I’m beginning to sense a theme here.
Anyway, here’s some fiction stuff I wrote about that.
Continue reading “Down Time”